There were four buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.
One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).
The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.
So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)"
The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"
The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"
Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"
Shoot Out the Lights
Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio(take a pee), the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"
The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Use Your Noodle
Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"
So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.
Just then, Maggi Mee walked round the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognise you, okay!"
B-B-Bustard!
Little Ah Seng had a severe stutter, but his mother felt he had to learn to fend for himself. So on the first day of school, she made him take the bus on his own.
"It's very easy," she told him. "When you board the bus, just tell the driver: Ah Chek, wah ai kee Tanglin Halt. (I want to go to Tanglin Halt)."
The next day, Ah Seng boarded the bus and told the bus driver: "A-a-ah Ch-ch-chek! W-w-wah ai k-k-kee T-Tanglin H-h-halt!"
However, the bus driver slapped Ah Seng in response.
Ah Seng was shocked, but the next day it happened again. Ah Seng boarded the bus and saw it was the same bus driver.
Ah Seng again told him: "A-a-ah Ch-ch-chek! W-w-wah ai k-k-kee T-Tanglin H-h-halt!"
And again, the bus driver slapped him.
Ah Seng fled in tears and told his mother, who was quickly incensed.
The next day, Ah Seng's mother followed him on board the bus. True enough, it was the same bus driver.
"Why you hit my son?" she scolded the bus driver.
The driver scowled and retorted: "S-s-si n-n-noong kia, t-t-tup pai j-j-ji seow wah! (Bloody kid, keeps disturbing me!)"
AH BENG HOT SHOT
During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.
That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.
The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.
Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.
Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."
Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."
"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself
"Aim..."
"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "KUNG FU
Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.
"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.
Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."
"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."MISS SINGAPORE
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.
Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
Judge: ?????????!!!!
SHORT AND NOT SO SWEET ENGLISH
The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)
At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!
When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend)
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